Wrapping my head around being someone's mom was crazy enough but missing out on the joys of birth and holding your baby for the first time made it even harder.
The whole time I was carrying our little Ella in my womb, I felt like a vessel. A vehicle for this little stranger planted inside of me by God for some undisclosed reason.
I never really thought that I would ever be a mom. For many years, it had just been me and my collection of pets. I had 'Dog Mom' shirts, 'Cat Lady' mugs and even a 'I work hard for my dog...' change purse. This was the life that I had settled in to. When I met Will, I never imagined that just weeks into our budding relationship I would get pregnant!We barely new each other and yet here we were about to be parents together.
Psalm 138:13-16 " For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be."
I panicked! My fear of commitment reared its ugly head and I suddenly felt trapped. I had warned Will in the very beginning that I tend to push people away, though baby or not, he seemed pretty determined to stick around. He would even call me out on my self sabotage tendencies! God had blessed me with a good strong man.
From the very beginning, I was always rubbing my belly even before this was a 'bump'. My mom would say, "You're gonna rub a hole into that baby's head!" It just seemed so surreal to me that there was a baby growing in there. It never felt real. Even as my belly grew, I felt like I had a hard time bonding with our little gift until I really felt her start moving. Sometimes, I would just hold my belly and cry tears of joy for this little miracle.
Let me back up for a minute....
When I had first found out that I was pregnant, I was sitting on the couch one evening talking about being pregnant and starting an online registry when Will said, "I think you're really excited about this."
I quickly responded with a "no" because I actually felt embarrassed for being excited. Partly because I feared that Will would think that I had planned this. That I had trapped him! The other part of me felt embarrassed because everyone in my life was so shocked by the news. The people in my life always wanted to see me have a baby but knew it wasn't really in my 'plans'. When I started sharing the news with my friends and family they were over the moon with shock and joy. Everyone, with the exception of me, had been waiting for this moment for years!
Or so I thought! It was months into my pregnancy before I actually realized that I was keeping myself from being happy and excited about my pregnancy. Once I came to this realization and accepted this truth, every day I would rub my belly and tell Ella how excited I was to be her mommy. How happy I was was that God had blessed us with her. She was our little miracle angel and we couldn't wait to meet her.
On February 21, 2020, we took the hour plus drive to our 2nd ultrasound appointment that week in St. Petersburg. They were closely monitoring the umbilical cord blood flow and had recently upped our visits to biweekly. They did our ultrasound that morning and were about to move us to another room for the non-stress next when the doctor on call that day came in the room. She said that she would come and talk to us after the non stress test. Those mom antennas that people always talk about immediately started buzzing! I looked at will and said, "No matter what she says, just stay positive." He looked at me puzzled and just said, "Well that was random." I knew though. I knew that something was amiss! "Just stay positive." He agreed. He is was rock. He is always my rock.
I trust in You, Jesus. I trust in You, Jesus. I trust in You, Jesus.
Breathe in Jesus. Breathe out the world.
"To believe in Jesus is to accept what He says, even when it runs contrary to what others are saying." Pope John Paul II
After our non stress test was complete, the doctor returned. This was it. What new bomb would be dropped on us today?
She said, "I'm going to suggest that we deliver today." She conferred with Dr. Kays and he agreed!
Oh boy! (or should I say girl?!) Here we go! Will looked like a deer in headlights. I just smiled and nodded and said, "okay!" I promptly texted my mother and brothers, "Change of plans. We're having a baby today!" Next, I texted one of the girls at work and asked to clear my schedule that day and the next week.
They sent us across the street to prepare for our cesarean. Shortly after, I was stripped down to nothing but a gown and in a hospital bed. A seemingly endless flow of people came in, introduce themselves, started an iv, had me sign consents and tell me their roll in this production. I wish I could remember all their names! My family members took turns coming into my room to say hi and offer some comfort. I was is such shock that I can only imagine the goofy smile and deer in headlights look plastered on my face. I probably should have been, according to circumstances, but I felt absolutely no fear in that moment. I don't remember feeling anything except for a strange calm. Jesus was holding me. Us.
Dr. Kays came in the room ans asked me, again, if we still wanted to be aggressive with her care. Yes, we were prepared to be aggressive. We were prepared, as much as humanly possible, to be parents to this amazing gift that God had bestowed on us. We were in shock and we had no idea what the future held for us. But we were ready!
"Jesus,I trust in You. Jesus, I trust in You...." I had found a little medallion with these words imprinted on it and it was always in my hand or tucked into my bra. It was my mantra to help me get through every day. To work through my fears. To calm my nerves. To breathe again.
I handed my trusty medallion over to Will for safe keeping as I headed to the operating room.
Proverb 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding; in all your ways Acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight"
I sat on the edge of the operating table, slumped forward, holding my bulging belly for the last time as the administered my spinal tap. Then they helped to lay back on the table and draped me out while talking me through every step of what to expect. Will was escorted into the room decked out in his yellow 'bunny suit' and sat on a stool next to me. He held my hand and I gave him explicit direction not to look over the drape! The last thing I needed was my 'rock' passing out.
I still could not believe that the moment was here. It felt like just yesterday that I told him I was pregnant. How did it all go so quickly?
I was numb from the waist down and surgery was starting. There were voices all around me. The amazing anesthesiologists kept me informed of each step happening on the other side of the drape. "You're going to feel a lot of pressure. They have to push your uterus out (of the incision)". Other voices from beyond the drape...."Water", "Uterus", 'Head is out", "Happy birthday!" She was here! Did I really just have a baby? What does she look like? What does she sound like? Moments later, they had her all wrapped up and they wheeled her past us so far that we didn't catch so much as a glimpse of our little bundle of joy!
Our little miracle was born at 1:55 pm on February 21, 2020, 4 lbs, 15 oz and 18 inches long.
After sewing me all back up, they moved me onto a gurney and rolled me into the recovery room. Will, knowing me so well, found my Jesus medallion in my belongings and handed it to me. I'm not sure if it was drugs they had pumped into me or just still the feeling of shock, but it hadn't hit me that we just had a baby. Maybe it was because we didn't see her come out, din't hear her first cry and hadn't been able to catch even a glimpse of her little face. I definitely didn't feel like a knew mom, though. That's for sure! I was more concerned about the waiting room full of our family and friends who were probably feeling anxious. I sent Will to check on them and give them an update.
At some point, Dr. Kays came by to let us know that our little Ella was all connected to her ECMO unit and in her room. He said he would go to the waiting room to update everyone. I don't remember much of what he said but I do remember that I asked him if she had hair. He kinda chuckled and replied, "I don't know. I was too busy saving her life." Maybe it was the drugs but I just wanted to know if my baby had hair!