The darkness after sunset was always the hardest part of my day.
The devil always came at me extra hard at night. Between the exhaustion of a long day, ultrasound overload, racing thoughts and pregnancy hormones, he would attack. He would seep into my thoughts with awful things like, "life would be easier if I had never gotten pregnant", "life would be easier if I just lost the baby." I would say aloud, "Go away, devil. You are not welcome here!"
I never told anyone that these thoughts had ever even entered into my mind. How could I ever admit such awful thoughts had ever crept into my mind? I would just try to hide somewhere and cry quietly. I was so ashamed that I could ever think that about this miraculous gift God had blessed us with. Here I was with a roof over my head, an amazing job and co-workers, supportive family and friends and a wonderful man at my side. We had been blessed by this angel of pure love and light that I was carrying. Life wasn't hard. We had each other. We had God. Yet, the devil was trying to convince me that my life could be easier. He is so sneaky!!
John 10:10 "The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full."
One night, Will found me crying and when he asked me what was wrong, all I could say was, "I just want to give up but I don't want to give up!"
I was filed with so much grief at that moment that my mind had me convinced that I just wanted to throw in the towel on my faith. I wanted to quit praying. I wanted to stop begging for healing. I just wanted to wake up from this tormenting nightmare. The whispers of the devil were seeping in.
At the same time, I didn't want to give up at all. I had this tiny little life growing inside of me. Depending on me to be strong. To fight for her in every possible way. I was her mom. This wasn't about me anymore. I was about her. It was about our little family. It was about God bestowing this gift of life to us and trusting in Him fully to get us through it all.